Distractable!

So, I haven't written in a while. And it's not like anyone missed me, as far as I know there are only two of you who read this and I don't even know how often that is. But I haven't written in a while because I am in a slump! I just feel like the world is spinning and moving and going on around me and I am simply standing still! I feel so all alone in a world full of people. This year hasn't exactly been the greatest year, in fact I might even venture in saying that it's down right sucked!

I started my year with a broken windshield on my car. Someone took it upon themselves to take what looks like a bat to my windshield three maybe four times. Which to most people would suggest that this is not some random act by neighborhood hoodlums. No this would suggest that someone was mad at me and wanted to take it out on my car! But who, to this day I have no idea who I could have pissed off so much that they would want to scare the crap out of me and have me having sleepless night since this has happened. I don't think that I am a bad person and in fact I think I tend to go out of my way to please people even if it may make me unhappy!

Then, sickness struck my family! I had a second cousin in the hospital in the ICU not knowing if he was going to die or not. He is still fighting for his life but admits that the fight is quickly draining from him. That very same week I found out that my Great Aunt who raised me as if I were her granddaughter was also in the ICU and not doing well and the doctor's were going to remove a piece of her skull to relieve some pressure on her brain. She too is still alive but unlike my cousin has no desire to fight for her life. She wants to die and wishes that everyone would just leave her alone! They are having to crush her pills and hide them in her baby food. Yes, I said baby food for an 80 something year old woman, cause something happened to her brain and now she is having a hard time swallowing food let alone liquids. And if this wasn't enough of an emotional toll, a Great Uncle on my dad's side of the family lost his battle with cancer and passed away.

Now, you would hope that my year would start to look up a little come February since that is the month of my wonderful daughter's birthday, right? NOPE! February 3 marked the three years that I lost my first child. I thought that maybe this year it would come and go with out much thought. But no, not for me. At 3:30 am I awoke from the same dream that I have had the last two years! I had to relive the whole miscarriage again, from the back pains to the bleeding to holding my child in my hands sobbing uncontrollably wondering if there is a God, why did he do this to me? I tried my hardest to go on with my day but every time I closed my eyes I saw my little baby in the palm of my hand and I had to fight back the tears. I still have no answers as to why that happened and I never will. I just hope that one day I get to meet him or her?

Then, the stress of money and finances came into play. It's been a wet month on and off. Derick has been in and out of work, no quite qualifying for unemployment but not making enough money for us to live our normal lives. Then, I get laid off! Yes I work for my mother in law and I love my job and I can't wait to go back. But for almost a month now I have been without work! She had no choice but to lay me off until Medi-Cal begins to pay again. We are Medi-Cal providers for hearing aids and if they aren't paying we can't bill and if we can't bill I have no job! So, I have been counting each and every penny. Fighting to stay afloat!

And then when I am really feeling sorry for myself, a good friend from high school loses her 5 year old son! And I feel ashamed for crying over my struggles and hardships cause they are nothing compared to the loss of a precious child. My heart breaks for her and I cried as if he were my own. Cause all I have to compare to her loss is the loss of my own child. And I can only imagine that it must be a million times worse cause she had him in her life everyday for the last 5 years and now he is gone. Just in the change of one day!

And now this brings me to the present. I feel ashamed! I feel guilty for not keeping my real friends close by my side over the years. I let a fake person come between me and some of the greatest people I have ever known. One of them being my friend who suffers this great loss. And I feel that I should be there for her through this, but what right do I have? I turned my back on good people! I listened to the poisonous thoughts that this other person put into my head. Now, I can't blame this other person because at the end of the day I was the weak one! I was the one who couldn't think for myself. I was the one who failed my true friends. And now I struggle with how to make it right? How do I correct all the wrong that I have done? And will my friends be willing to be my friends again and forgive me? I can only hope so!