Thursday, August 13, 2009
Gone missing!
I friend of mine is looking for her sister! She was last seen up in the mountains camping with her boyfriend and another couple. This will be the third day that they have been looking for her and now every one's mind is slipping into the darkness of what could very well have happened to her! My heart breaks cause there is nothing more that I want to do something to ease her fears and just give her some sort of peace. The best I have been able to do is just sit her today as she runs her daycare. But I still wish that there was something more that I could do. Please pray for her and her family and that her sister is returned in one piece!
Friday, June 26, 2009
Long time....
So, I know it's been a really long time since I've written anything. But with good reason! I have an incredible 16 month old daughter who takes up the majority of my time. And in the few moments that I am spending with her I am desperately trying to keep up on house cleaning, laundry, work, tending to my husbands needs, caring for two dogs, being a daughter, sister, and grand daughter, and in the midst of all this I still try to find time for myself and getting back into shape (which is a slow process!).
But with being so busy it's not to say that nothing has been happening! My Great Aunt passed away! As I wrote before she was sick and struggling to stay alive. But her time to pass on has come and gone. Her funeral was difficult and hard to deal with. I still wake up in hopes that it was all a bad dream! And every day it gets a little easier to deal with but the pain of losing such a wonderful woman figure in my life will never go away!
So, Hailey is doing wonderfully! She is growing and learning and thriving as she should, if not better! Everyday I am amazed to see that my husband and I created such a beautiful and loving child! She is learning to talk and is like a little parrot! We have to watch our every word around her now. The other day I was cut off while driving to my favorite stress reliever, Target, and out of road rage let out a loud F you buddy! So, for the remainder of the drive I heard my little one in the back seat repeating over and over the wonderful F word! I couldn't help but laugh, but at the same time knew that it was no laughing matter. Since then I have been extra careful of my P's and Q's!
Well, seeing as I haven't written in so long I am having a hard time trying to figure out what to say. So, I will end here but will write more in the next few days! I promise!
But with being so busy it's not to say that nothing has been happening! My Great Aunt passed away! As I wrote before she was sick and struggling to stay alive. But her time to pass on has come and gone. Her funeral was difficult and hard to deal with. I still wake up in hopes that it was all a bad dream! And every day it gets a little easier to deal with but the pain of losing such a wonderful woman figure in my life will never go away!
So, Hailey is doing wonderfully! She is growing and learning and thriving as she should, if not better! Everyday I am amazed to see that my husband and I created such a beautiful and loving child! She is learning to talk and is like a little parrot! We have to watch our every word around her now. The other day I was cut off while driving to my favorite stress reliever, Target, and out of road rage let out a loud F you buddy! So, for the remainder of the drive I heard my little one in the back seat repeating over and over the wonderful F word! I couldn't help but laugh, but at the same time knew that it was no laughing matter. Since then I have been extra careful of my P's and Q's!
Well, seeing as I haven't written in so long I am having a hard time trying to figure out what to say. So, I will end here but will write more in the next few days! I promise!
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Distractable!
So, I haven't written in a while. And it's not like anyone missed me, as far as I know there are only two of you who read this and I don't even know how often that is. But I haven't written in a while because I am in a slump! I just feel like the world is spinning and moving and going on around me and I am simply standing still! I feel so all alone in a world full of people. This year hasn't exactly been the greatest year, in fact I might even venture in saying that it's down right sucked!
I started my year with a broken windshield on my car. Someone took it upon themselves to take what looks like a bat to my windshield three maybe four times. Which to most people would suggest that this is not some random act by neighborhood hoodlums. No this would suggest that someone was mad at me and wanted to take it out on my car! But who, to this day I have no idea who I could have pissed off so much that they would want to scare the crap out of me and have me having sleepless night since this has happened. I don't think that I am a bad person and in fact I think I tend to go out of my way to please people even if it may make me unhappy!
Then, sickness struck my family! I had a second cousin in the hospital in the ICU not knowing if he was going to die or not. He is still fighting for his life but admits that the fight is quickly draining from him. That very same week I found out that my Great Aunt who raised me as if I were her granddaughter was also in the ICU and not doing well and the doctor's were going to remove a piece of her skull to relieve some pressure on her brain. She too is still alive but unlike my cousin has no desire to fight for her life. She wants to die and wishes that everyone would just leave her alone! They are having to crush her pills and hide them in her baby food. Yes, I said baby food for an 80 something year old woman, cause something happened to her brain and now she is having a hard time swallowing food let alone liquids. And if this wasn't enough of an emotional toll, a Great Uncle on my dad's side of the family lost his battle with cancer and passed away.
Now, you would hope that my year would start to look up a little come February since that is the month of my wonderful daughter's birthday, right? NOPE! February 3 marked the three years that I lost my first child. I thought that maybe this year it would come and go with out much thought. But no, not for me. At 3:30 am I awoke from the same dream that I have had the last two years! I had to relive the whole miscarriage again, from the back pains to the bleeding to holding my child in my hands sobbing uncontrollably wondering if there is a God, why did he do this to me? I tried my hardest to go on with my day but every time I closed my eyes I saw my little baby in the palm of my hand and I had to fight back the tears. I still have no answers as to why that happened and I never will. I just hope that one day I get to meet him or her?
Then, the stress of money and finances came into play. It's been a wet month on and off. Derick has been in and out of work, no quite qualifying for unemployment but not making enough money for us to live our normal lives. Then, I get laid off! Yes I work for my mother in law and I love my job and I can't wait to go back. But for almost a month now I have been without work! She had no choice but to lay me off until Medi-Cal begins to pay again. We are Medi-Cal providers for hearing aids and if they aren't paying we can't bill and if we can't bill I have no job! So, I have been counting each and every penny. Fighting to stay afloat!
And then when I am really feeling sorry for myself, a good friend from high school loses her 5 year old son! And I feel ashamed for crying over my struggles and hardships cause they are nothing compared to the loss of a precious child. My heart breaks for her and I cried as if he were my own. Cause all I have to compare to her loss is the loss of my own child. And I can only imagine that it must be a million times worse cause she had him in her life everyday for the last 5 years and now he is gone. Just in the change of one day!
And now this brings me to the present. I feel ashamed! I feel guilty for not keeping my real friends close by my side over the years. I let a fake person come between me and some of the greatest people I have ever known. One of them being my friend who suffers this great loss. And I feel that I should be there for her through this, but what right do I have? I turned my back on good people! I listened to the poisonous thoughts that this other person put into my head. Now, I can't blame this other person because at the end of the day I was the weak one! I was the one who couldn't think for myself. I was the one who failed my true friends. And now I struggle with how to make it right? How do I correct all the wrong that I have done? And will my friends be willing to be my friends again and forgive me? I can only hope so!
I started my year with a broken windshield on my car. Someone took it upon themselves to take what looks like a bat to my windshield three maybe four times. Which to most people would suggest that this is not some random act by neighborhood hoodlums. No this would suggest that someone was mad at me and wanted to take it out on my car! But who, to this day I have no idea who I could have pissed off so much that they would want to scare the crap out of me and have me having sleepless night since this has happened. I don't think that I am a bad person and in fact I think I tend to go out of my way to please people even if it may make me unhappy!
Then, sickness struck my family! I had a second cousin in the hospital in the ICU not knowing if he was going to die or not. He is still fighting for his life but admits that the fight is quickly draining from him. That very same week I found out that my Great Aunt who raised me as if I were her granddaughter was also in the ICU and not doing well and the doctor's were going to remove a piece of her skull to relieve some pressure on her brain. She too is still alive but unlike my cousin has no desire to fight for her life. She wants to die and wishes that everyone would just leave her alone! They are having to crush her pills and hide them in her baby food. Yes, I said baby food for an 80 something year old woman, cause something happened to her brain and now she is having a hard time swallowing food let alone liquids. And if this wasn't enough of an emotional toll, a Great Uncle on my dad's side of the family lost his battle with cancer and passed away.
Now, you would hope that my year would start to look up a little come February since that is the month of my wonderful daughter's birthday, right? NOPE! February 3 marked the three years that I lost my first child. I thought that maybe this year it would come and go with out much thought. But no, not for me. At 3:30 am I awoke from the same dream that I have had the last two years! I had to relive the whole miscarriage again, from the back pains to the bleeding to holding my child in my hands sobbing uncontrollably wondering if there is a God, why did he do this to me? I tried my hardest to go on with my day but every time I closed my eyes I saw my little baby in the palm of my hand and I had to fight back the tears. I still have no answers as to why that happened and I never will. I just hope that one day I get to meet him or her?
Then, the stress of money and finances came into play. It's been a wet month on and off. Derick has been in and out of work, no quite qualifying for unemployment but not making enough money for us to live our normal lives. Then, I get laid off! Yes I work for my mother in law and I love my job and I can't wait to go back. But for almost a month now I have been without work! She had no choice but to lay me off until Medi-Cal begins to pay again. We are Medi-Cal providers for hearing aids and if they aren't paying we can't bill and if we can't bill I have no job! So, I have been counting each and every penny. Fighting to stay afloat!
And then when I am really feeling sorry for myself, a good friend from high school loses her 5 year old son! And I feel ashamed for crying over my struggles and hardships cause they are nothing compared to the loss of a precious child. My heart breaks for her and I cried as if he were my own. Cause all I have to compare to her loss is the loss of my own child. And I can only imagine that it must be a million times worse cause she had him in her life everyday for the last 5 years and now he is gone. Just in the change of one day!
And now this brings me to the present. I feel ashamed! I feel guilty for not keeping my real friends close by my side over the years. I let a fake person come between me and some of the greatest people I have ever known. One of them being my friend who suffers this great loss. And I feel that I should be there for her through this, but what right do I have? I turned my back on good people! I listened to the poisonous thoughts that this other person put into my head. Now, I can't blame this other person because at the end of the day I was the weak one! I was the one who couldn't think for myself. I was the one who failed my true friends. And now I struggle with how to make it right? How do I correct all the wrong that I have done? And will my friends be willing to be my friends again and forgive me? I can only hope so!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Valentine's Blah!
So, I don't know where I went wrong with the whole Valentine's Day thing? I am a huge sucker for lovie doves stuff and romance and all that things that come along with it. So, where did I go wrong in marring the least romantic man on the face of the earth?
I know for a fact that at one point in time he would romance me. That is how he won me over! But somewhere along the line that person died and this unromantic butt head appeared! Our plans for the most romantic holiday of the year? Well, we are starting off the day with a nice dirt bike ride for him and his father. They will awake before the baby and I and travel an hour away for a ride. Then, he will come home, exhausted maybe take a nap and watch some fishing, only to awake in time to get ready for a "boys night out". Yes, a boys night out! He and his friend Corey will be attending a nice dirt bike race. And yes ladies, this will all par take on the one holiday of the year that a woman should be swooned and adored and reminded of how much our husbands, boyfriends, lovers love us!
So, you ask what I will be doing during this wonderfully romantic day? I will care for our beautiful baby girl as I do everyday! Then I will drop her off at grandma's for a few hours as I go out with my friend Kimmie to dinner and a movie. After which I am sure I will not only be picking up my sleeping daughter from her grandma's, but also picking up my drunk husband from said romantic dirt bike race!
God, you just gotta love Valentine's Day!
I know for a fact that at one point in time he would romance me. That is how he won me over! But somewhere along the line that person died and this unromantic butt head appeared! Our plans for the most romantic holiday of the year? Well, we are starting off the day with a nice dirt bike ride for him and his father. They will awake before the baby and I and travel an hour away for a ride. Then, he will come home, exhausted maybe take a nap and watch some fishing, only to awake in time to get ready for a "boys night out". Yes, a boys night out! He and his friend Corey will be attending a nice dirt bike race. And yes ladies, this will all par take on the one holiday of the year that a woman should be swooned and adored and reminded of how much our husbands, boyfriends, lovers love us!
So, you ask what I will be doing during this wonderfully romantic day? I will care for our beautiful baby girl as I do everyday! Then I will drop her off at grandma's for a few hours as I go out with my friend Kimmie to dinner and a movie. After which I am sure I will not only be picking up my sleeping daughter from her grandma's, but also picking up my drunk husband from said romantic dirt bike race!
God, you just gotta love Valentine's Day!
Monday, February 2, 2009
SLEEP AT LAST!
Ok, so I haven't written about this cause I wanted to wait until it was true! For those of you who don't know I am a first time Mommy. And like all moms I am learning as I go as to what works and what doesn't! I breastfed my daughter from the time she was born until three weeks ago. I planned on the full year but my body just couldn't produce enough milk for her anymore and we stopped trying to make it happen. As you all know that first few weeks with a new baby is rough and you are so tired and you just do whatever it takes to get a few zzzz's in when you can. Well, I made the big mistake of letting little miss sleep in bed with us. Both out of comfort of knowing she was by my side at all times and out of total and complete laziness! Hailey was not only a beautiful baby girl but she was a hungry one! And up until recent she would wake two to three times a night to eat! So, it just made it easy for her to sleep with me in my bed when it came to the midnight feedings.
Well, at about eight months I figured it was time! I made her sleep in her own bed, yet I wasn't ready to move her across the hall just yet. So, for about a month we fought with her to get her to sleep alone. I put her crib in our room just inches away from my side of the bed. I would wake up two to three times a night still for feedings, boy was my little girl an eater! I tried everything to get her to sleep through the night! And mind you she was eating solids.
Finally at the beginning of 2009 I figured I was too sleep deprived and she needed to be able to sleep in her own bed in her own room. New Year's day we moved her "big girl" crib into her "big girl" room. The first few nights were just tears! Both she and I would cry until she finally gave in and fell asleep. But she was still waking two to three times a night to eat. Then one night we had people over and I closed her door so she could get some sleep. I decided to leave it closed until she woke for her first feeding of the night and went to bed myself. I woke in the morning at 8 am to sounds of her playing over the monitor. I my heart dropped when I realized that I slept through the whole night! Did I not hear my little one crying for me in the middle of the night? Was I the worst mommy on the face of the earth?
Wanting to see if it was a fluke I closed her door the next night as well. I thought for sure that she would wake in the middle of the night. I woke up five times that night to make sure that the monitor was still on. Finally 8 am came around and my little one woke in a happy mood. Now for three weeks she has been sleeping through the night with an occasional cry for a bottle here and there. But for the most part I am able to sleep at last! Thank god all mighty sleep at last! I later figured out that my dogs were going into her room at night and waking her up. So, the whole time the trick was to just close the door!
Well, at about eight months I figured it was time! I made her sleep in her own bed, yet I wasn't ready to move her across the hall just yet. So, for about a month we fought with her to get her to sleep alone. I put her crib in our room just inches away from my side of the bed. I would wake up two to three times a night still for feedings, boy was my little girl an eater! I tried everything to get her to sleep through the night! And mind you she was eating solids.
Finally at the beginning of 2009 I figured I was too sleep deprived and she needed to be able to sleep in her own bed in her own room. New Year's day we moved her "big girl" crib into her "big girl" room. The first few nights were just tears! Both she and I would cry until she finally gave in and fell asleep. But she was still waking two to three times a night to eat. Then one night we had people over and I closed her door so she could get some sleep. I decided to leave it closed until she woke for her first feeding of the night and went to bed myself. I woke in the morning at 8 am to sounds of her playing over the monitor. I my heart dropped when I realized that I slept through the whole night! Did I not hear my little one crying for me in the middle of the night? Was I the worst mommy on the face of the earth?
Wanting to see if it was a fluke I closed her door the next night as well. I thought for sure that she would wake in the middle of the night. I woke up five times that night to make sure that the monitor was still on. Finally 8 am came around and my little one woke in a happy mood. Now for three weeks she has been sleeping through the night with an occasional cry for a bottle here and there. But for the most part I am able to sleep at last! Thank god all mighty sleep at last! I later figured out that my dogs were going into her room at night and waking her up. So, the whole time the trick was to just close the door!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Tiny steps
Well, my baby girl turned 11 months yesterday. With each month that she is older my heart breaks a little to let go of the ever needing infant that I brought home nearly a year ago. But with each day she learns something new and it never ceases to amaze me!
Like today, she woke up this morning from her nap in a great mood. She was giggling and playful and just the lovable baby girl that I fall in love with more and more everyday. Well, she decided that today she is going to give this whole walking thing a good try! I put her down on the floor next to her daddy's chair so I could fix her a bottle. She then stood up with a chestier cat grin, and took a step after me! My heart just about jumped out of my chest, both with excitement and fear!
Luckily her daddy was right there to catch her just before she fell fast first to the ground. She let out a giggle of excitement and stood back up and tried again. I sat on the floor just a few feet from her daddy and for 15 minutes we played pass the baby. She would run for me then turn around and run for daddy. Her laughter was so filled with joy that my heart felt like it was on fire with an overwhelming abundance of love.
Of course she isn't a pro at this walking thing. She struggles with keeping her legs going just as fast as her little body. Arms up in the air, look of determination plastered on her face, and giggles for days she trots around the living room from toy to toy. Taking just a few steps at a time she practices her new found freedom. And all I can think is, "didn't I just bring her home from the hospital yesterday? How did she grow up so fast?"
So, here is to the new enjoyments of life and the new adventures. My tiny one is taking tiny steps!
Like today, she woke up this morning from her nap in a great mood. She was giggling and playful and just the lovable baby girl that I fall in love with more and more everyday. Well, she decided that today she is going to give this whole walking thing a good try! I put her down on the floor next to her daddy's chair so I could fix her a bottle. She then stood up with a chestier cat grin, and took a step after me! My heart just about jumped out of my chest, both with excitement and fear!
Luckily her daddy was right there to catch her just before she fell fast first to the ground. She let out a giggle of excitement and stood back up and tried again. I sat on the floor just a few feet from her daddy and for 15 minutes we played pass the baby. She would run for me then turn around and run for daddy. Her laughter was so filled with joy that my heart felt like it was on fire with an overwhelming abundance of love.
Of course she isn't a pro at this walking thing. She struggles with keeping her legs going just as fast as her little body. Arms up in the air, look of determination plastered on her face, and giggles for days she trots around the living room from toy to toy. Taking just a few steps at a time she practices her new found freedom. And all I can think is, "didn't I just bring her home from the hospital yesterday? How did she grow up so fast?"
So, here is to the new enjoyments of life and the new adventures. My tiny one is taking tiny steps!
Monday, January 19, 2009
Too Fast!
My little baby girl is growing up way too fast! She is just days away from being 11 months already! It seems like just yesterday we were heading down to the hospital for my induction. She was a day late and I was more than ready to see what was in store for me. The first week was hard. She was eating all the time and I didn't know what I was doing as far as breastfeeding went. But once we saw the lactation nurse we were on our way and things just got fun from there on out!
I remember the first day she cooed at me! The first time she rolled over! The first time we tried real food, well baby mush! And then there is when she began to sit on her own, and crawl and say "DA-DA"! 11 months have just flown by! And now my little monkey is working on taking her first steps! I know she is just days away from running around after the dogs!
It's all gone by too fast!
I remember the first day she cooed at me! The first time she rolled over! The first time we tried real food, well baby mush! And then there is when she began to sit on her own, and crawl and say "DA-DA"! 11 months have just flown by! And now my little monkey is working on taking her first steps! I know she is just days away from running around after the dogs!
It's all gone by too fast!
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